A tough week for Dean St. residents, as three incidents took place on the same block on August 29th. The first was near Hoyt St., where the thieves snagged a keyboard and Kindle. Twenty minutes later, they stole the next-door neighbor’s purse and umbrella, and finally another neighbor’s satellite radio before being arrested on the scene.

Also on Dean St., a 28-year-old woman reported a cell phone snatched from her hand near Boerum Place.

A 30-year-old parked his car and left it unlocked on Washington St., then returned to find his iPod, iPad and MacBook stolen.

Conway’s on Fulton St. was also the site of multiple incidents on Wednesday—the first was around 1:30 p.m., where thugs stole a pile of clothes and then threatened a security guard with a razor blade. Four hours later, a 26-year-old shopper reported her debit card and driver’s license stolen from her bag. Conway’s—you may save on clothes, but you’ll pay in DMV fees.

Planet Fitness

Finally, in an incident similar to last week’s Taylor Swift ticket heist, a thief was in the right place at the right time on Montague St., as he was able to sign for a FedEx package before it got to the doorman, and made off with a $1,650 Dell laptop. And that’s this week’s blotter.

Everyone’s favorite planet, Planet Fitness, was the site of two reported incidents involving lockers and stolen things. The first took place Wednesday morning, and can be summed up thusly: I locked up my s***, and now it’s gone. The second incident occurred two days later and can be summed up thusly: I thought I could leave $1,300 in my Planet Fitness locker. I was wrong.

Monday on Warren St.: A 22-year-old Warren St. resident hired No Flood 4 Me to clean up damage to his basement. They apparently really cleaned up the joint, taking his MacBook Pro in the process. Police are investigating.

The design company known as HUGE in DUMBO (HAH) was the site of a second break in; the first occurred in May, when 15 laptops totaling $30,000 were stolen. This was four laptops totaling $5,996.

Last Friday evening, a 15-year-old girl tried to shoplift items from Atlantis on Jay St.; she was pointed out to the A/O (reportspeak for Arresting Officer) who tried to arrest her, though she bit him before he could get the cuffs on. The girl was eventually subdued and charged with assault. The officer was taken to Methodist Hospital.

According to the police report, a 19-year-old visiting family on Sands St. was standing outside when suddenly “he felt pain.” I’ll believe that, as the report went on to say he was shot in the thigh, with the bullet exiting through his scrotum.

At the Allen School on Montague St. a victim reported that she left a package in the hall for UPS to pick up, but instead it was stolen by a perp who may or may not have been a Taylor Swift fan. The contents of the package included Taylor Swift concert tickets, baseball equipment, a new pair of Nikes, and what is described in the report as “Hotel stay 2 nights with New York T.S.” valued at $600. Could the T.S. be Taylor Swift, and is this what she charges to stay two nights with her in a hotel room? My guess is probably not, though indulge me, I’m usually stuck reporting on Planet Fitness thefts and iPhone snatchings. Speaking of which …

An iPhone was stolen from a 33-year-old woman on a southbound G train.

On State and Nevins Tuesday morning, a perp climbed through a woman’s front window and stole her BlackBerry. Across the street four days later, a man stated he went to sleep around 2:30 a.m. and when he woke up only a couple hours later, both of his laptops were gone. His living room window was open and flower pot moved from the windowsill.

Finally, a report that I can only describe as having more going on than is written down. Do you agree? You make the call, this is pretty much verbatim what it says:
“While leaving HSBC with $10,000 in a Met Food plastic bag, a 20-year-old man (hereafter known as Victim #1) was approached by a 6’2″ male (hereafter known as Perp #1) who was wearing a blue sweatsuit and blue Kangol hat. The victim stated that he was approached by Perp #1 as he was about to enter his boss’s SUV, and the perp put a small black gun to his rib cage and told him ‘Get in the car.’” Victim #1 states that Perp #1 joined him in the front passenger seat and told him, ‘Give me the money.’ Perp #2 entered from driver’s side rear seat and put a gun to the head of Victim #2. Victim #1 stated that he gave Perp #1 $9,000 that was in the bag. Perp #2 took it and ran out of the vehicle westbound on State St. Perp #1 told Victim #1 to get out and walk with him to 3rd Ave. He kept the gun pressed to his ribcage as they walked and told him he would shoot him. When they reached 3rd Ave., he told the victim ‘Turn around and don’t look back or I will shoot you,’ before taking off.” And that’s this week’s blotter.

The Brooklyn Heights Wine Bar and Brooklyn Heights Cinema were both broken into last week. Combined they would lead to a delightful night of vino and independent films, but instead—the Cinema thief was arrested on the scene with latex gloves and a screwdriver, and the Wine Bar thief made off with as many potent potables as could be carried.

Planet Fitness had been suspiciously quiet this summer, but it’s returned to form with a vengeance. A gym perp broke into three lockers on Sunday and made off with wallets, credit cards and Prada sneakers. (Prada makes sneakers?)

Early Saturday morning on Joralemon and Court, a man was approached by two thugs who told him, “Your chain is nice,” and then proceeded to snatch it.

A 41-year-old man was punched and hit with a bottle last Wednesday on Hoyt and Bergen. He was treated at LICH and released.

Finally, a thief who thought bigger than 99 cents entered 99 Cent City on Hoyt St. and asked to use the bathroom. He must have opened the wrong door, however, because he somehow made off with $3,660. And that’s this week’s blotter.

Hank’s describes itself as a “rootin’ tootin’” saloon, which sounds like Yosemite Sam’s kind of place. There was no shootin’ there, but there was a stabbing on Friday, after an argument got out of control and one patron stabbed another in the neck. The victim was taken to the hospital and police are on the lookout for the perp.

Meanwhile, with all this talk about gold, the real precious metal, copper, is disappearing from construction sites faster than you can say “plastics.” On August 6th, $1,800 worth of copper was stolen from a site on Bridge St. On August 8th, $15,000 worth of copper was stolen from a Water St. site.

A Wyckoff St. resident reported that someone broke into his apartment during the day and stole his MacBook. Though the victim’s son and babysitter were home, they didn’t hear an intruder. A neighbor reported that an intruder entered her apartment while she was gone and left footprints on her bed.

A woman’s iPad was stolen by a marauding couple on a northbound N train on August 7th. The victim and witness gave chase, but the bandits got away.

Finally, word is that the Brooklyn Heights Wine Bar was broken into this week. A tipster said, “I talked to Jim this morning and he told me some drug addict or an idiot at a minimum, broke his window at 3:30 in the morning on Sunday night and set the alarm off. A loud alarm. Despite the alarm the
idiot still went to the register and got nothing of significance. Unlike Jack The Horse the alarm saved the day.” And that’s this week’s blotter.

I would do more opening schtick, but I’m already late in the game today. However, I’ll start with this gem I reported yesterday, about an unnamed DHS employee who was robbed of things like encrypted cell phones and GPS systems (I know there’s a “systems” in GPS, but it sounds so weird without it.) Any rate, you can read all about it here.

Yesterday when I arrived at the precinct I was greeted with wave upon wave of police reports, nearly all about iPhone (and a few BlackBerry) thefts. You think I’m kidding? To wit:

On Henry St. Friday afternoon, a man grabbed an iPhone from a woman’s hand then ran off on State St.

On a southbound F train in the wee hours of Thursday morning, a perp reached into a car before the doors shut and stole an iPhone from a 26-year-old straphanger.

That afternoon on the A train, a 34-year-old was using his Zune HD Touch when it was suddenly ripped from his hands. No word on whether the perp returned it when he discovered it was a Zune HD Touch.

Tuesday morning at Fulton and Bridge, a man who had a Boost mobile attached to his belt had it yanked away.

On Friday afternoon at Willoughby and Jay, a 19-year-old visiting from Maryland had her Blackberry Curve ripped from her hands.

On Friday around 5:20 a woman was mugged after entering the Hoyt St. station. The thief got her iPhone, iTouch, Coach bag and $150.

In other news—

The Heights Cleaners was robbed Tuesday morning—video cameras caught a man entering the shop around 4:15 a.m. and taking $70 from the cash register.

Similarly, the Sunny Gourmet Deli on Joralemon was hit when a thief somehow lifted the roll-down gate and made off with $1,300. If the Heights Cleaners thief is reading this, you made the wrong call.

Finally, on Friday evening a man walked into a shop on 360 Atlantic Ave. and told the saleswoman he was waiting for his wife. As soon as the shoppers left, he pulled a boxcutter on the saleswoman and told her he wanted money. When she replied that there was none, he had her wait in a back room while he rifled through the clothes and made off with $1,625 worth of dresses. And her iPhone. And that’s this week’s blotter.

—Dell laptop
—encrypted cell phone
—satellite phone
—Department of Homeland Security (DHS) GPS
—DHS response jacket
—personal GPS
—DHS digital camera
—DHS unsecured cell
—Miscellaneous papers

No word on the man’s identity, though he lives in Boston, Mass. The rest of the blotter to come later.

I walked into an 8-4 that was in a rather delightful mood yesterday. Though “delightful” might be the wrong word—however it was in sharp contrast to the usual. Perhaps because the temperature dropped below 8,000 degrees? Perhaps the Captain is in love? Who knows, but allow me to bring you back to Earth with tales of perps and skells.

A red Vespa belonging to a Furman St. resident was stolen from outside the River Deli on Sunday.

The following morning, a 23-year-old man on Concord and Prince was jumped by a gang who beat him with bottles and kicked him in the face. They made off with $12 and the victim’s cell phone.

On Monday night another 23-year-old trying to stop a fight between a woman and her niece on York St. was smacked in the face with a metal object for his troubles.

On Tuesday afternoon, a would-be mugger ripped two chains off a 29-year-old woman’s neck while she was on 3rd and Schermerhorn. But this was no waif, this was a No. 1 Mama—at least, that’s what one of her chains said, which reportedly cost $640. She fought her attacker, retrieved her jewelry and only suffered a broken nail. Hopefully the perp suffered a mighty wounded ego.

A domestic dispute occurred on Washington St. Thursday afternoon, when a man reported his girlfriend suddenly went berserk and beat him with a belt.

The River Café was the scene of a crime Tuesday, and we don’t just mean the price of their shrimp scampi! (Ahem.) An employee left her bag—which contained $1,580 cash—underneath a table. And before you could say “Planet Fitness!” it was gone.

A 19-year-old woman was followed out of a Chase Bank on Flatbush Ave. Ext. Tuesday evening by a thief who then stole her bag and $500.

Do you come from the land down under? Then one of your paisans would probably recommend you stay off of Smith St. A 30-year-old woman visiting from Australia was standing on the corner of Smith and Warren Saturday night when a man raced by and grabbed her iPhone. Police showed the victim a series of photos, but she was unable to identify her mugger.

Finally, a 17-year-old got into a dispute with her ex on Facebook. The following day while she was walking to school he approached her and asked to talk; when she refused, he pushed the girl and took her pocketbook. I’m glad Facebook didn’t exist when I was a teen, and that’s this week’s blotter.

—A snazzy suit left in a Planet Fitness locker was swiped by a gym thief looking for better threads.

—A Montague St. super is in the hot seat after being accused of stealing jewelry and $300 from a tenant.

—A thief tried to make his way into an apartment on Willow and Pineapple on Friday; when he was surprised by the tenant he said, “I’m an air conditioner inspector, and this air conditioner is unsafe.” Sullying the name of air conditioner inspectors everywhere.

—A Swedish tourist was pickpocketed while on a southbound 2 train at Borough Hall.

—Finally, three thugs threatened a man on Pacific St. and made him give up his iPhone, but allowed him to keep his SIM card. Even they know how tough it is to get back your contacts. And that’s this week’s blotter.

Welcome to a special late-night edition of the police blotter. Which seems somewhat fitting, come to think of it. To begin …

A gray Range Rover was broken into on York St. last Friday, and the marauder made out like a bandit: the goods included an an iPad (which the report said was worth $1,200. $1,200! What version was this?); $800 briefcase; $400 GPS; and $200 Coach wallet.

The next morning on Bridge St., a man who tried to break up a fight in the hallway of his building was stabbed with a pocket knife for his troubles. He was treated at the hospital and released.

Later Saturday evening at Equinox, a 42-year-old man put his belongings in a locker without a lock before hitting the showers. The script can write itself, but I’ll fill you in on the details: when the victim returned he noticed his pants were off the hook and his $600 Louis Vuitton wallet was gone, along with two $600 BlackBerrys.

A shady character hanging around Poplar St. has been stealing packages from one of the buildings; according to witnesses, he takes the goods left in the lobby. His latest score? A box of baby clothes.

On a southbound C train Wednesday night, a 14-year-old grabbed an iPhone from a straphanger’s hands, then tried to make his getaway into the next car. But the would-be victim chased and tackled the delinquent, who dropped the phone in the struggle. It was recovered by witnesses, and the child was arrested.

A booze-fest on Bridge St. turned violent Wednesday afternoon—a 46-year-old woman had two friends over who “couldn’t hold their liquor” and hit her in the face with a metal folding chair.

Police were called to an underage booze-fest on Water St. Sunday, after two 18-year-old women became incoherent. Fearing they’d been drugged, they were taken to the hospital where one tested positive for barbituates, while the other tested negative.

An altercation at a check cashing spot on Schermerhorn St. ended with a 5-year-old getting pepper sprayed. Police arrested a 21-year-old man and 30-year-old woman at the scene, after witnesses claimed the woman sprayed the child and her mother. And that’s this week’s blotter.

Sorry for the delay, folks, I just got back from interviewing Joe Franklin for my New York accent documentary. His office was straight out of a Fellini film—there was a guy there who made hot dog sculptures out of soap, and another who looked like he was a Jupiterian. At the end, Joe Franklin told me, “Don’t go, I have a present for you,” and handed me a pair of earrings that looked like they came from a Cracker Jack box. All this, and a reporter from The New Yorker magazine was there to do an article about me and my film. Just your average Wednesday. Now on to the blotter.

Last Monday, a 76-year-old man reported that he was the victim of identity theft, and believed the thief was a former employee who worked as his bookkeeper. The perp wrote checks totaling $4,500, spent $1,200 on crystal ware, and spent $16,500 on what the report calls “walnut cover and more.”

An odd situation occurred on Montague Terrace Friday evening, when a 24-year-old returned home to find a man looking out his window with binoculars. He asked, “Are you here for the techie job?” a question as cryptic as “Kenneth, what is the frequency?” The man replied yes, but the victim saw that the “techie” wearing his father’s clothes. The awkward situation ended when the victim escorted the techie to the lobby, where police apprehended him soon after.

A party in room 1605 of the Adams St. Marriott became a scene of petty larceny, when the teenage victims awoke to find an iPhone, Blackberry and various credit and debit cards stolen.

On Hoyt and Livingston Saturday afternoon, a 52-year-old woman was mugged in front of her granddaughter, after a man approached her with what she thought was a gun and said, “Give me your wallet and jewelry.” The woman handed over the heartbreaking loot, including her mother’s ring and her engagement ring. The thief also got away with $35.

My next door neighbor was robbed after she left her Coach pocketbook outside the front door of her building on Henry St.

A bank robber made off with $2,040 from Chase Bank after he handed a note to the teller that said, “Large bills. All $100 $50 $20.”

Finally, a case of road rage on Gold and Tillary on the night of June 7th. A driver refused to stop for a firetruck with its lights on; he swerved and hit one of the firemen, whose leg got caught in the bumper. Not content to end there, the maniac driver gunned the engine, swinging the victim onto the hood of the car. Luckily the fireman was able to dislodge himself, after which a witness tried to stop the car, only to be greeted with an “F.U.” by the driver and given the finger. Police eventually nabbed the driver on Johnson St. And that’s this week’s blotter.

Bear with me, folks, I’m also finishing up a grant proposal for my New York accent doc this morning. So if the blotter suddenly veers into, “I feel my film fits with your corporation’s mission” territory, you’ll know why. So let’s get started before I miss the deadline and have to steal wallets from Planet Fitness to fund the rest of my movie.

On Front St. last Tuesday, near that building I call Hyman Roth’s House, a 27-year-old man was surprised by a thug who forced him to his knees, brandished a gun and said, “Give me all your money and be quiet.” The thug got away with $50.

The following day, also on Front St., a 47-year-old man from Florida must have thanked his lucky stars that he found parking in DUMBO; but when he went to find his 2009 Hyundai Accent later, it was gone.

A fight broke out at Freedom Academy on Nassau St. Wednesday morning; a 15-year-old girl was arrested after she struck an officer who was trying to break up the melee.

Here’s a report that may appeal to your darker side, particularly if you’ve ever gotten a parking ticket: on Jay and Tillary Monday morning, a meter maid, sleeping in her car between shifts, was approached by a father and son. The father asked her if he could park behind her without getting a ticket; sometime during the exchange, the son reached in her car through the open window on the other side and took her purse. The ticketrice noticed her bag was gone once the pair left, but didn’t really think much of it until she went to look for the bag later on. The dynamic duo got away with $19.

A 69-year-old woman having lunch at Teresa’s Restaurant Monday afternoon was robbed of the contents of her purse, including $10.

A wallet belonging to a 20-year-old woman was snatched while she rode the B38 bus. She didn’t notice it was gone until she began receiving text messages from her bank that her account was overdrawn; the nimble-fingered thief charged $532.99 to her debit account.

Finally, a 54-year-old German tourist discovered first-hand how sweet it is on Court and Montague Saturday afternoon, when he was ambushed by thugs who showed him a knife and got away with his $200 camera. According to the police report, the opfer (that’s German for “victim,” or so Google tells me) looked at head shots for hours without any luck. And that’s this week’s löscher (the closest I could get to “blotter,” I think it means “extinguisher.”)

No, it’s not what you think, you cheeky BHB readers! It’s a pickpocketing tactic used to great effect by those in the 84 district. Not by me, I drink too much coffee and the whole operation would give me palpitations. But the following are reports about those more nimble of fingers and less caffeinated of nerves.

Last Wednesday afternoon, a 43-year-old woman was leaving the Municipal Building in Downtown Brooklyn when she was bumped from behind and her cellphone stolen. A friend dialed her number and someone actually picked up—and promptly refused to return the phone.

Earlier that day around midnight, a 19-year-old walking near Jay and Prospect was bumped by a man in a gray hoodie, who stole his wallet.

The next day at the Jay and Fulton bus stop, a 66-year-old woman was bumped and her wallet stolen.

Right around the same time, a woman boarded a southbound A train in midtown Manhattan, and noticed a couple nefarious types pacing in her subway car. When the train reached High St., one of the perps approached the victim and said, “Give me the cell phone, bitch!” She then snatched the phone from the victim’s hands and ran off.

The design company HUGE had a huge break-in last week, as 15 laptops, totaling $30,000, were stolen from their office.

A home health aide described only as “Anthony” who tends to an elderly woman on Clark St. also tended to her debit card, charging $563.90 worth of Zipcar rentals to it.

The store Best Chocolate Cake on Jay St. in DUMBO was the site of a break-in last week; the perp or perps didn’t steal cake as I would have, but instead made off with $300.

Wednesday morning at the Hoyt and Fulton station, a straphanger was mugged and the thief got away with a $400 Droid.

A law firm on Main Street reported a break-in on Thursday, though the only thing stolen, according to the police report, was “Dog treat Old Mother Hubbard.”

Quite the incident occurred on Court St. Thursday night. Officers reported seeing two young girls fleeing northbound from a woman described as “hysterical.” They joined the pursuit, which grew to about 10 people, and saw one girl throw a cell phone into the bushes at Cadman Plaza. The police finally apprehended the teens, ages 14 and 16, on the Pierrepont side of Citibank, and retrieved the phone for the victim, who said she was bumped by one of them before her phone was stolen.

Finally, yours truly witnessed a crime last night at the Metrotech Starbucks, after a patron walked in, stole a sandwich and left. Police took off in hot pursuit. And that’s this week’s blotter.

So I called the Precinct this morning at 7 to set up a 9:30 appointment, and then promptly forgot until 9:20—I was about to call my mother to dissect and diagnose my life when I saw the last call I made had been to the 84. Suddenly, the weekly dilemma of what to wear to the blotter went out the window, as I threw on jeans and eyeliner and dashed out into the pouring rain. By the time I made it to the precinct my bangs and adrenaline made me look like Alice Cooper, except scary.

Luckily, I was not arrested. Here’s the scoop:

One Friday afternoon, a PolyTech student reported his $1,900 MacBook Pro stolen. The report stated that both his roommate and others had keys to his room.

On Sunday evening at Popeye’s, a thief reached into the cash register and pulled out $1,200 before taking off, perhaps with a bucket of wings to go. The robbery was caught on video.

On Atlantic and 3rd Sunday afternoon, a Boost Mobile phone was snatched out of the hands of a 22-year-old woman.

On Friday night, a drunken straphanger passed out on a southbound F train and awoke at Metro Tech. When he went to check the time on his phone, he discovered his phone was gone, along with his ATM card. A quick check revealed his card had been used four times in three places, and debited $800.

A 50-year-old York St. resident was forced into his apartment by two thugs in ski masks, who pointed a silver handgun at his head and tied him up in the bathroom. The thieves made off with two Xbox remotes, Xbox video games, $270 and a prescription for percocet.

A 1993 red Acura Integra was stolen from Bridge St.

Meanwhile, a photographer returning to his VW after a shoot on Washington and Front Sts. noticed his window smashed and his $1,300 camera stolen, as well as about $1,300 worth of equipment.

The New York Photo Festival that was just held in DUMBO was also the scene of a crime, as someone stole an exhibit’s projector, Apple Mac and motion detector.

On Thursday night, a 22-year-old man was beaten and robbed by seven thugs on a downtown G train. They were arrested at the scene—the oldest was 21, the youngest 16.

A man and woman on their way to work at Checkers were jumped by a woman they both knew, along with her friends. The gang got away with two cell phones and an iPod.

Finally, there was great discussion in the Precinct about Petty Larceny vs Criminal Possession of Property. The consensus is if you conceal something with the intent to steal it, but are caught before leaving the premises, it’s Petty Larceny. If you’re caught with the goods after leaving the premises, it’s Criminal Possession of Property. That’s this week’s Crime Analysis 101, and that’s also this week’s blotter.

A man who had worked at an architecture firm located at 20 Jay St. got back at his former employers by going on a spending spree courtesy of a few corporate cards. The damage totaled $81,400.

On Sunday evening, three perps banded together to steal an iPhone from a woman on the 3 train. Two were arrested at the scene, though the one with the phone got away.

Rather than translate this police report of an incident at the Court St. Starbucks, I have transcribed it, allowing you enjoy for yourselves.
“Defendant did ask her to use the bathroom where whe [sic] wouldn’t more [sic] fast enough to open the door defendant did take a bottle and hit her in the arm with it. Defendant had bruises and swelling to her arm.”

A domestic dispute went public on Montague St. Thursday evening. A 31-year-old woman reported that she got into a fight with her boyfriend, who then pulled her hair, hit her and burnt her with a cigarette. The boyfriend is currently at large.

The management office of an unnamed gym (I can’t say Planet Fitness for sure) was the site of a purse snatching Wednesday morning. According to the victim, she left her purse at her cubicle located at 185 Montague St., and when she returned to her desk, it was gone.

An 89-year-old visitor from Louisiana was dining at Junior’s and got her purse stolen for her troubles. The victim said she left her bag on the chair next to her, but noticed it was taken when she went to leave. The good news is this is one crime that was actually caught on tape.

Finally, a report that seems to be missing a line or two in the story. This incident took place late Saturday night at 160 Schermerhorn St. The 48-year-old victim claims he was sleeping when security let a woman in the building. According to the report, “When he told her to leave out of his room [he] noticed his wallet missing. Woman stated she was there with his permission but came back when he was sleeping.” $1,500 cash was stolen.
What’s it all about, Alfie? You make the call. And that’s this week’s blotter.

I’d like to start by noting that today marks the one-year anniversary of my time on the police blotter. Yay, us! This is the longest relationship I’ve held on to for awhile, and even though other couples may toast to long walks, sunsets, and flowers just because, I raise a glass of Pellegrino to the F train, the Intersection of Death at Willoughby and Flatbush Ave. Ext. (where I cross to get to get to the 84), and last but not least … oh, why even bother, you know which fitness center I’m talking about. I think. But enough about me, what do you think of my dress? ahahhahaha yeah, ok on we go.

Last January, the Henry St. Tazza’s cash register was stolen, and the thieves got away with a whopping $15. This time, someone stole a $300 bag of cash at some point overnight. According to a Tazza employee, three delivery people have keys to the shop, though no arrests have been made.

A gallery owner either had one two many whiskey sours or heard all he could take on Dadaism, because he opened up a can of Andy Warhol’s whoopass during an argument at Hank’s Saloon in Boerum Hill. The 25-year-old victim claimed he got in an argument with the art thug who hit him over the head with a bar stool and was soon arrested.

Not to be outdone, Harry O’s was the site of a purse snatching on April 20th; the victim hung her purse in the closet and covered it with a coat. But the clever disguise was no match for one shrewd thief, who managed to steal away with the bag and $74.

Another thief hit paydirt at the Fulton St. Macy’s, where a shopper left her bag unattended on a stroller for several minutes. But the stroller was no match for one dastardly thief, who stole the bag and $200.

And finally … ta-da! Someone actually thought he could leave his backpack unattended at Planet Fitness without his belongings being stolen. But at least the victim was honest about the part he played—he claimed he left his backpack unattended for 15 minutes in the lounge. (As opposed to “I locked my belongings in a locker with a master lock, tied barbed wire all around and only left for a few seconds before someone stole all my clothes.”) The scoundrel got away with $80. And that’s this week’s blotter.

The 84th precinct was in a bit of disarray yesterday; when I called at 7 a.m. to make an appointment, the officer told me that no one from crime analysis was around, she didn’t know where the police reports were located and that I should call back at 7:30. I called back at 7:45, and she told me to call back at 9:30. Frankly, I’m lucky I got through either of those times, as I just switched to AT&T and discovered I can only make phone calls within one square-foot corner of my apartment.

Long story short, I wouldn’t have been able to get to the precinct after 10, so I was not able to make it. I tried! Therefore, the next-best thing (I guess) is to cull the reports from other blotters. And just so you know before we start our journey—there was no report on last week’s promenade crash. (Which I’d talked to crime analysis about last week—they said they hadn’t heard about it.)

Two women had their purses stolen while they dined; the first was on Front St. in Dumbo last Wednesday. The victim lost her iPhone and her birth control pills. The second happened two days later at Junior’s; the victim lost her Coach bag.

A 21-year-old was arrested for pulling a Lohan—he tried on a $2,800 diamond ring at Estelle’s Fine Jewelry on Bridge St. and proceeded to leave the store without it. A young guy wearing a diamond ring? Either he couldn’t afford the two months’ salary thing, or he was arrested by the fashion police. (Had to.)

A woman was assaulted by her colleague at Vegetarian Ginger; while on the job, the thug told her “I’m going to kill you” and then kicked a bucket that she was holding, causing a gash on her finger. The 47-year-old was arrested.

An $11,000 5×7 photograph was stolen from an art studio on April 17th.

And finally, an NYU student who had her wallet swiped on Court St. successfully—along with a few passerbys— chased and held down the 33-year-old thief. He was arrested at the scene. And that’s this week’s blotter.

Last week’s blotter recounted several violent acts against teens, particularly 14-year-olds. This time, on Thursday, another 14-year-old was victimized as he walked along Jay Street. A thug approached him and asked if he was a crip or a blood. “I’m nothing,” the teen replied, and was subsequently roughed up. He was also robbed of his cell phone.

The previous day, a 17-year-old girl was also roughed up—this time on Fulton St. and by a gang of gals who snatched her umbrella, her Droid, and threatened to throw her in front of a subway train. One culprit was arrested while the others remain at large.

On April 7th, a manicurist from Top Nail Design on Livingston St. was robbed of her tip money when her purse was stolen along with $300.

On the flip side of the teen thuggery, a 52-year-old was arrested Thursday for robbing a man at Gold St. near the BQE. The thug yelled “Give me all your money!” And when that didn’t work, punched and choked the victim before stealing his cellphone.

I feel like the moral to this blotter should be leave your cell phones at home, though that is both unlikely, and defeats the purpose of having a cell phone. So all I can do is quote Sgt. Phil Esterhaus. And that’s this week’s blotter.

I am the first person to caution against cutting in line … in front of me! By nature yours truly is a mild-mannered type, but one lucky lady saw a different side when she cut in front of me at Han’s Market last month while I tried to get a tuna sandwich. (I love their tuna sandwiches. I don’t know what they put in them, don’t want to know, ignorance is bliss when it comes to tuna.) Suffice it to say, takedowns are a moveable feast.

A similar event happened at the Rite Aid on Fulton and Hanover Pl. last Tuesday, though instead of being taken down by a sharp tongue, the victim was taken down by a pink cell phone. According to the police report, a dispute over cutting in line took a turn for the worse when a 32-year-old woman was hit in the head with the phone. No word on who cut in front of whom, but the cell phone is still at large.

At Kings County Family Court on Wednesday, a 37-year-old man went berserk and hit three officers before being arrested.

A gang of about 10-15 thugs entered Joya on Friday night and proceeded to throw glasses wreack havoc about the place. One man was cut on the chin and hand before the pack left.

Finally, a 60-year-old woman wired $40,500 to a Leighton Peale of World Allied Advisors with instructions to invest it in precious metals. When she followed up, however, the victim was told Mr. Peale no longer worked there, and there was no record of her wire. Take it from me, it’s safer to bet on black.

Before I close, I want to say that I’ve just become the proud owner of a brand-new iPhone, so let’s see how long it takes before it gets snatched on the F line. I’ll set the over-under. And that’s this week’s blotter.

In addition to last week’s pricey Rolex theft on Remsen St. come reports of the subsequent break-ins which lead to all that coverage of Brooklyn Heights last week. (“They’re crazy!” “They don’t lock their doors!” “They’re Midwesterners!”) The first occurred on Columbia Place Sunday Monday morning; a 24-year-old man reported his Macbook, PS3 and 10 PS3 games were stolen by someone(s) who entered through an unlocked window.

The next two happened at the same address on Willow Street sometime Wednesday. In the first case, the perp entered through a window off the fire escape and snagged headphones, a cell phone and cash. In the second, the victim claimed she locked her windows, but the perp took the a/c out of the window before taking a $300 laptop.

Planet Fitness.

Last Monday, a 37-year-old Gold Street resident who met a man on Adam4Adam.com stated that they were “hanging out for a bit” before falling asleep. That sounds as exciting as my dates, where I make them tell me their grandparents’ names so I can do their genealogy. (We all have our kinks.) But in this case, when the victim woke up he saw he was missing a $1k (!) iPod; $2K Macbook; $2K IBM laptop; $300 iPhone; two $300 watches and $580 cash. And, I’ll assume, some dignity.

On Sunday morning, a woman was hit with a hammer by her roommate, causing severe injuries to her face. The man was tackled by another roommate before police arrested the 34-year-old.

Finally, the report on Office Alain Schaberger, who was killed in the line of duty early Sunday morning: “While attempting to make a lawful arrest, the defendant did shove police officer and cause him to fall from stairwell ledge over railing, resulting in his death.” Here’s a link to an article where he’s remembered as a “Good Neighbor and Hero.” Officer Schaberger’s funeral will take place Friday at 9:30 a.m. at Frederick J. Chapey & Sons Funeral Home in East Islip, NY. And that’s this week’s blotter.

Police Officer Alain Schaberger. NYPD Photo.

Police Officer Alain Schaberger, 42, assigned to the 84th Precinct, lost his life early this morning after being pushed over the railing of a stairwell by a suspect at 45 St. Marks Pl.  Police say that Schaberger responded to a 911 call at 334 Bergen St. at 4:22 this morning in which a woman reported her boyfriend, George Villanueva, had threatened to kill her before he fled to his residence on St. Marks Pl.  Officers responded to Villanueva’s residence, where they led him down the front stoop to have the victim identify him.  Villanueva began struggling with the officers, and Schaberger was pushed over the railing.

“Officer Schaberger fell approximately nine feet, striking his head on cement and landing feet up.  He had a gash on the left side of his head, his neck was broken,” said Police Commissioner Ray Kelly.  He was taken to Lutheran Medical Center where he was pronounced dead a short time later.

The Daily News reports Schaberger was a well-respected member of the department, and a veteran of the U.S. Navy.

Commissioner Kelly said that Villanueva was the subject of 12 prior domestic complaints, and has 28 prior arrests for robbery and burglary.  His last stint in state prison ended in 2005.

UPDATE:  George Villanueva has been charged with Murder 1: Police Officer, Aggravated Murder of a Police Officer, Criminal Contempt of Court 1, and Assault 3.

I never noticed this before, but behind where I transcribe the police reports is a printed sign that’s meant to say “Detectives” with an arrow pointing left. Except someone took a few artistic liberties, so it now says “Defectives.” It wasn’t me officer, I swear. I was just holding this Bic for a friend. (This insider’s view of the 84 was brought to you by Planet Fitness.) And now, on to the rest of the story.

At the corner of Bridge St. and Willoughby St. last Friday, a man claimed he was punched in the face by a co-worker. Filed under “so you think you’re having a bad day?”

At 11:25 p.m. Wednesday at the corner of Sands St. and Adams St., a 55-year-old man was walking past three men when suddenly, one knocked him down while the others held him and went through his pockets. They made off with a debit card, but the 22, 20 and 18-year-olds were soon arrested.

While a man was teaching bible class on Sunday at the First Presbyterian Church on Henry St., someone else was sneaking into his office and stealing his laptop.

**Planet Fitness Alert** An athlete tried to outsmart the gym thieves by working out with his wallet in his pocket instead of locked in a locker, where it would surely be stolen. But then the wallet fell out. -$100 for you, thanks for playing the Planet Fitness Game where nobody wins, but everybody gets great abs.

Remsen St. was the site of a burglary last Saturday. And I’m not talking foofy iPad stuff. The 34-year-old victim admitted she’d left her apartment unlocked while she went to run errands; in that time someone (or someones) made off with a $6K men’s Rolex; $4K women’s Rolex; $3K earrings; $3K ring; $2K ring; $800 earrings; and $300.

Similarly, a few hours later on Livingston St., a woman reported that $45K diamond engagement rings, a $15K diamond Rolex and $1K watch were stolen. The victim said multiple people had keys to the apartment, so it was difficult to say which was the culprit, if any. A case for Poirot, peut-être?

And finally, at the Chase Bank on Montague St., a 56-year-old man tried to open a bank account with a forged check made out for $500 million. “A” for effort! At least give this guy a toaster or clock radio. And that’s this week’s blotter.

Since this is a blotter, let me make a confession—I was not able to make it to the 8-4 yesterday. But it was for a good cause: I was in Pittsburgh interviewing a Carnegie Mellon grad student who monitors dialects on Twitter. This is all for my New York accent documentary—yes, I’m still in production, wanna make somethin’ of it?

At any rate, ripped from today’s online headlines, I bring you the blotter:

The Front St. Starbucks was the site of an electronics theft on Sunday; similar to the incident where a cameraman had all his equipment stolen from his car, this lucky fella turned his back on $4,700 worth of camera equipment in his backpack. It too, disappeared. Though usually the victims say they turned their heads for “only a second.” In this case, he said he looked away from the goods for half an hour.

A 19-year-old man allegedly attacked a 47-year-old court officer after the vehicle transporting him pulled into the Brooklyn Supreme Court.

A man working out at Equinox for a whopping 10 minutes returned to his unlocked locker and found his wallet gone. And that, your Honor, is this week’s blotter.

At 429 Fulton Street Saturday morning, a woman trying on plus-sized clothes had her handbag stolen when she walked out of the dressing room. Out of the corner of her eye she saw someone walk into the room and confront her, but the perp feigned innocence until she ran off with the bag and $700.

At Fulton and Elm Wednesday afternoon, a teenage girl and her sister got into a fight with another group of teenage girls (and 21-year-old guy). Punches were thrown and a bag was stolen, though police arrested the juvi perps in a restaurant across the street from where the incident took place.

On Schermerhorn Street Monday evening, a man tried to open the door of his ’95 Toyota Tercel when he noticed the lock was broken. He then noticed someone had broken in his car and stolen his laptop, hard drive and eyeglasses.

The following night, a man parked his car in the Willow Street garage across from his apartment. When he returned the next day, he found the car was still there, but a $25K video camera, $10K lens, $4K mic and $5K tripod were gone.

Two cases of grand theft auto in the Heights(ish) area, the first took place Wednesday on Livingston St., where a man’s maroon Dodge Caravan Van, NYS license plate #FCZ4867. Get on the road and get to solving!

The second case was on Bergen St. on Friday. A 2007 grau Audi A4, NYS license plate #ECX2050. Get on the road and get to solving again!

Two incidents involving young victims occurred last week as well. On Tuesday morning, a 13-year-old boy was followed from the bus to the Schermerhorn Street station to the Bergen Street stop. Once the boy was street level, the thug pulled a knife on him and stole his cell.

At McLaughlin Park on Jay Street, two 14-year-old boys noticed a gang going through their bookbags. When they tried to get their bags back they were threatened and forced to hand over their wallets and iPods. The thugs, ages 27, 18 and 17 were later arrested.

A woman was assaulted by two men on Joralemon Street Wednesday morning; one served as lookout while the other put her in a choke hold, stole her laptop and debit card and then maced her. They then fled westbound on Joralemon. The good news is video cameras captured it all, though they’ve not been nabbed yet.

A man impersonating a police officer was part of a gang that robbed Kim’s Jewelry of $12K worth of bracelets and pistol-whipped a 56-year-old employee.

Finally, a man went berserk at a Pacific Street building, punching in a window pane, kicking in a door and, according to the police report, stealing a toilet. He was arrested. No word on the toilet. And that’s this week’s blotter.

At a Metrotech gym last Monday, a man left his wallet on the treadmill, and it proceeded to run away.

At ASA College on Willoughby St. last Wednesday, video surveillance recorded a woman leaving her wallet at her desk at 12:43, and a man stealing it at 12:50.

Your favorite gym (YFG), Planet Fitness, was the site of a locker room break-in; in this case, the victim stated he locked his locker with a Masterlock, but when he returned from his workout, his money and his pants were gone.

Last Saturday, a woman on Livingston St. noticed jewelry missing from her bedroom closet. The stolen items had belonged to the victim’s grandmother, and were worth $6,000. The report noted that furniture had been delivered to her place last month, though no suspects were named.

Sovereign Bank on Montague St. was the site of a robbery on Friday. A man handed a note to a teller that read, “No dye packs and no one gets hurt”; he then “simulated a weapon in his jacket pocket.” The thief made off with $2400 worth of 20s, 50s and 100s.

Later that day, a Pacific St. couple returned home to find their apartment ransacked; two laptops, a Kindle and assorted other electronics were stolen.

At Ocean Nail on Smith St. last Sunday, a manicurist put her bag down to wash her hands, and a man walked in the shop and took it. What does good hygiene cost? Apparently $400 in cash and $400 on credit. And that’s this week’s blotter.

This week’s blotter is brought to you by Tums, as I just got chewed up by the communications person for the FDNY. I’d contacted him to see if I could film interviews with the firemen at Ladder 118, but suffice it to say I will not be filming any video of the firemen at Ladder 118 anytime soon. It’s a shame, they were really into the idea. But no can do without permission. And actually, I hadn’t been yelled at like that since I spoke to NYPD communications 12 years ago. It was so bad I remember it 12 years later. Anyway, here’s the blotter.

A woman’s purse was snatched while she was setting up the bread and wine last Sunday at Grace Church. Is nothing sacred?

At 11 a.m. Tuesday, a woman’s Kindle was Kindle-napped while she was on the F train at Smith and Bergen.

A Smith Street resident ordered checks which never arrived. But someone must have intercepted them, because checks totaling $4,700 were written in her name.

Operation: Sweatpants is what I’ll call the latest spate of gym thefts. A robbery took place Thursday morning at your favorite fitness place and mine, Planet Fitness, when a young man returned from his workout to find his locker broken into and his $1,000 laptop gone, along with $120 in cash.

At noon on Friday, a man at the New York Sports Club on Remsen Street was robbed of $100 after someone broke into his locker.

Finally, the Heights Casino was the site of a robbery on Saturday morning, when a woman’s $2,000 Givenchy bag was stolen while she played tennis.

And that’s this week’s blotter. Now I’m off to hide my feelings in a Crumbs cupcake.

So I was pickpocketed last week at the Spring St. station. (Physician, heal thyself!) I noticed right away and luckily, given my financial status, I had almost no cash in my wallet. But the horrifying part was my driver’s license was gone. And for those of you who’ve had to deal with the DMV, you will understand when I say I would’ve rather lost $1,000 than my driver’s license. At any rate, I tell this story not only because this week’s blotter is brief, but because my story has a happy ending—Friday evening I received an email with the subject line “Your driver’s license.” “No freakin’ way …” I thought. Apparently the Greatest Human in the World found my license in the snow and tracked me down; my license and I were reunited Sunday morning, and damn it felt good.

One of the blotter reports has a happy ending, too. (Quelle segue!) On Tuesday afternoon at Red Cross Place and Adams St., a 50-year-old woman was mugged by a perp who pulled a knife and took her engagement ring, earrings and wallet. But the 54-year-old thief was soon apprehended with the goods and a little bit of marijuana for good measure.

Another robbery happened around midnight on Tuesday. A 14-year-old boy was exiting the Dekalb station when he sensed someone following him. Just then a thug punched the boy in the face and chased him down the street, finally catching him and pulling out a boxcutter. The victim gave up his cell phone but was not harmed any further. The thief remains at large.

A few hours later, the door to a home on Livingston St. was pried open and 19K worth of jewelry and electronics were stolen.

Another high-price robbery happened on Cranberry St. Saturday night, after a thief or thieves made off with cash and laptops totaling $4,600.

NOS (rhymes with “gloss”) Boutique in Dumbo was robbed Wednesday night after closing time. Around 6K worth of shoes and handbags were taken.

Another shoe incident occurred at the Payless on Fulton St. A customer walked in complaining about the price of shoes, then pulled out a pair of scissors and cut a store employee in the neck before running off.

I am geographically challenged, so maybe someone can help me with this one: A man called his insurance company after he claimed his car caught fire on the corner of Hicks and Cadman Plaza West on Sunday night. The insurers told him to leave the car and they would pick it up; they later reported they could not find the car. Might that be because Hicks and Cadman Plaza West don’t intersect?

Finally, a drummer who fell asleep in a cab got a rude awakening after a thug opened the door and started rifling through his pockets. When the creepy perp wouldn’t stop, the drummer ran out and the cab took off, with the drums and cymbals still in the trunk. And that’s this week’s blotter. Hey, I guess it wasn’t so brief after all.

Oh and in case you missed it, I’ll be here tonight. Come out in the freezing rain, it’ll totally be worth it.

Last week’s precinct visit meant slogging through giant rivers of dirt puddles, and as a result I was exposed to diphtheria, the consumption and a touch of hysterical blindness. Luckily my vision was restored in time to traipse on over again this morning, although I’m still battling some kind of evil bug, the kind that made all those aliens keel over in that god-awful War of the Worlds. (BTW – if you are a fan of War of the Worlds, check out the trippy Moody Blues/Richard Burton version. That is all.)

But enough about me, here’s what’s news.

Last Saturday, a 24-year-old partied hard and fell asleep on the Q train heading home. When he woke up, his iPhone and wallet were gone.

Two nights earlier, a woman’s iPhone was snatched out of her hands on the 4 train at Borough Hall.

Around 3 p.m. on Friday, a man and woman walked into Reel Beauty on Fulton Street; the woman proceeded to steal a pack of false eyelashes. When confronted by a store employee, the man took out a razor blade and said, “Touch my wife and I will cut you.” Apparently she really needed them.

On Friday evening at Livingston and Court, a 26-year-old woman was approached by a man who asked to borrow her cell. When she seemed reluctant, he offered her $20 to hold while he made the call. This seemed to win her over, as she handed him her Blackberry Curve. He then took off with it. Who says you need to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars for an education? She just got one for the price of a cell phone.

Roughly $1,800 worth of equipment was stolen from the Court St. Game Stop Wednesday night.

On Thursday afternoon at Hoyt and Schermerhorn, a 23-year-old man was surprised by a thug who put him in a choke hold, dropped him to the ground, put a gun to his head and stole his iPhone.

Finally, a 76-year-old man was treated and released from LICH, but not before someone at the hospital stole his passport and $500. And that’s this week’s blotter.

My journey then took me to that cozy part of Gold Street known as the 84th Precinct. Upstairs in Crime Analysis, I was shocked to discover that after all that schlepping, there were only three cases on file – and for the record, none involve iPod thefts on the F train or locker room shenanigans at Planet Fitness. Behold:

At 5:30 p.m. Monday, a woman was bumped on the sidewalk in front of 115 Court Street, and soon discovered her wallet and $400 missing.

Several hours earlier at 81 Washington St., the management who opened up Pomme saw that the register was gone along with $100.

Finally, the register tray at the Henry St. Tazza was stolen in the wee hours of Sunday night. The take? $15. And that’s this week’s blotter. Now if you don’t mind, I’m off to be treated for the consumption.

Hello, sports fans! Great to be back in the driver’s seat on the BHB. Today was my first day at the 84 in several weeks, so I had visions of cops and skells alike embracing me as I sashayed through the front door. Oh, how they missed me, I thought. It would be almost like Madonna in that Material World video.

What actually happened was pretty close! The man at the front desk left as soon as he saw me. Then I heard one of the custodians on her cell: “You sent my brother to jail for two years and you still at it??? I hate you, Linda, I hate you so much, I’m gonna destroy you.” Great to be back!

This week’s blotter focuses on several incidents that went down at the Willoughby and Jay St. station. The rundown is as follows:

At 1:02 p.m. Wednesday, a man’s iPod was stolen from the C train.

At 10:50 a.m. Friday, a makeup bag was stolen from the A train.

At 1:25 a.m. Saturday, a man suffered a broken nose after he was punched in the face by the F train. His cell was taken for good measure.

Nearby at Bond and Fulton at 4 a.m. last Thursday, a woman was robbed on her way to the Hoyt/Schermerhorn station.

An iPhone was stolen at the Borough Hall station last Friday at 10 a.m.

Not to be outdone, Vinegar Hill was the site of two incidents last week. The first occurred at 2:50 a.m. Thursday, when a 23-year-old man walking to his car at York and Jay Sts. was punched and threatened by a thug who said, “If you scream, I’ll kill you,” and took $110.

The second was 1 p.m. Sunday on Plymouth St., when a thug couple stole a German tourist’s pocketbook. And that’s this week’s blotter, Mein Gott. Until next week …

A man leading the thug life lifted a 49 year old woman’s bag at the corner of Clark Street and Columbia Heights on December 23. According to the report, he tapped her on the shoulder, she stopped and he made off with $120 in cash and her BlackBerry.

Four scumbags “cornered” a 45 year old man in broad daylight – 3:20pm – on December 20 at the High Street station’s Cadman Plaza East exit. The hit him and took his shopping bag.

In the “early morning hours” of December 18, a woman’s bag was stolen from the floor of Montero’s Bar and Grill on Atlantic Avenue. The purloiner snagged, and later used, the vic’s credit and debit cards according to police.

And from Courier Life comes a jewelery heist. Let’s just say in the underbelly of society where thieving slime thrive the phrase “let me see that” is usually tantamount to announcing, “I would like to steal that item from you.” So when a “customer” walked into a “jewelery store on State Street near Court Street” asking to “take a look” at a pair of $30K earrings, it’s no shock to that he grabbed ‘em and ran. But he’ll look lovely in the cellblock sporting that bling, eh?